This is a therapy session. Sesi luahan perasaan.
I am an introvert. My job, requires me to be an extrovert. So there is a neverending conflict within myself.
Kat kedai makan, kalu aku order kueyteow sup, tiba-tiba yang datang mihun sup, aku makan jugak.. maka begitu lah analoginya. My job, on the other hand, requires me to be detailed, focused on the specs and requirements. Thus, another neverending conflict within myself.
I am a very soft person, or am trying very hard to be one, I guess. I tries to be nice to everyone. My job, requires me to be aggressive, to commmand and demand, to seek approval and give instructions, to 'push' people. I don't like to be aggresive. I I don't enjoy 'pushing' people. Another cause of internal conflict.
Internal conflicts lead to stress. There are many type of stress management. I listen to IKIM.fm, there are lots of good motivational speakers on air. I read SOLUSI, there are lots of good articles in there. They say Marah itu Mudah, Sabar itu Indah. Well, everyday, or most of the day I find myself in the ANGRY position but everytime I tries to SABAR. but am I doing the right thing by being ultra-defensive without any plan to strike back?
Some people said, in brothers an sister, there is a formula of Tanah-Air-Api-Angin for children No 1-2-3-4. I am No 3, so I guess it's natural for me to easily get angry. Sabar is a routine but sometimes i do wonder for how long can I hold my temper. It's boiling down there, relatively speaking.
Then there's issue of incompetent, or non-suitability to the job, maybe. My job requires me to be highly competent, be it technically competent i.e know HOW as well as socially competent i.e know WHO and how to talk to or communicate to the WHO. Me? I have limited technical knowledge and I found it very hard nowadays to understand all the technical explanation let alone to guide someone on that. That makes me technically incompetent. I am an introvert, a very reserved person who finds it very hard just to talk to people let alone to give speech or presentation. I am socially incompetent.
Am I too soft or just plain stupid? Am I, well a remarkably patient person or just a plain coward? Do I need a job change? Well at times I do think I need that but maybe, yes maybe I am too shy (afraid? coward?) to say so.
Stress is a routine. In desperate attempts to curb my stress, I eat alot. Well, it does release the stress for that short period of time. However, overeating leads to another stress i.e stress to my body. I am gaining alot of weight. It has been 4kg increase since I moved here so it's almost 1kg/month. There's limited time for physical activities that does not help either. I know death is inevitable but I have to keep myself healthy at least for my family, my wife and our two dotters but it's hard to resist the temptation. Stress is killing me slowly.. literally speaking.
Maybe I should request to be tranferred to where there will be minimum intraction with people but where would that be? Do I have the courage to do so?
may I found peace, TQ. hahahaa..